The Continued Life of Monkey Boy

One week, one week from now things will be different.  Yes, I know the divorce was supposed to be final early last week.  However, I didn’t know you had to book a court date and we were missing a document.  This time though, we’ve got the appointment booked and I’m armed with the missing paperwork.

How do I feel a week away from becoming “officially divorced”?  Hard to say, but I would say overall I’m sad.  My sappiness isn’t solely because of the divorce, but combine it with a few other things and there you go.  Mrs. Lessinges moved out of our house over the weekend so now it sits nearly empty, yet there are tons of memories.  I stand in the vacant living room and think about the Thanksgiving dinner we hosted last year.  I think about the middle of the night feedings when Baby Singe had no hair and couldn’t talk.  I recall the energy of the neighbor kids during the summer months, creating all sorts of chalk artwork on the sidewalks. I’m reminded of all the improvements we made on the house.  Yes, the house lacks physical objects and occupants, but the memories live.

Sometimes I wish I didn’t get so caught up in the past, but I do.  I think about how things were a year ago, six years ago, or even just six weeks ago.  Interestingly enough, I believe 2011 has been a solid year for me.  On paper it doesn’t appear this way.  In my head I feel like I’ve been able to learn much about myself and a slow rebirth is on its way.  Through this experience I’ve of course learned what makes me tick.  I’m hopeful I can find my way again resuming old hobbies and discovering new ones.

Most importantly, I refuse to beat myself up.  I’m a good person who happened to get divorced.  Just as Mrs. Lessinges is a good person too, we simply weren’t meant to be together for the long haul.  I’ve had trouble adjusting to seeing my daughter 3-4 days a week as opposed to seeing her every day.  The days without her have been tougher to bear than I thought possible.  I’ve said this many times before, I didn’t become a parent to see my child half the time.  All I wanted as a child was to see my parents and when my parents split, it was so very hard to have my father drift out of my life.  I told myself that wouldn’t happen on my watch, yet it has.  Don’t get me wrong, this is the right thing for us.  I’m simply stating how it makes me sad to not see my daughter seven nights a week.  I don’t want to miss key parts of her life as well as the minutia.

So here I am, moving on and enjoying the present with glimpses back to the future.  I can do this, I know I can.  Managing this along with work and a personal life is a daunting task, but it can be done.  Damnit, I just want to laugh again… and it’s happening.