One week, one week from now things will be different. Yes, I know the divorce was supposed to be final early last week. However, I didn’t know you had to book a court date and we were missing a document. This time though, we’ve got the appointment booked and I’m armed with the missing paperwork.
How do I feel a week away from becoming “officially divorced”? Hard to say, but I would say overall I’m sad. My sappiness isn’t solely because of the divorce, but combine it with a few other things and there you go. Mrs. Lessinges moved out of our house over the weekend so now it sits nearly empty, yet there are tons of memories. I stand in the vacant living room and think about the Thanksgiving dinner we hosted last year. I think about the middle of the night feedings when Baby Singe had no hair and couldn’t talk. I recall the energy of the neighbor kids during the summer months, creating all sorts of chalk artwork on the sidewalks. I’m reminded of all the improvements we made on the house. Yes, the house lacks physical objects and occupants, but the memories live.
Sometimes I wish I didn’t get so caught up in the past, but I do. I think about how things were a year ago, six years ago, or even just six weeks ago. Interestingly enough, I believe 2011 has been a solid year for me. On paper it doesn’t appear this way. In my head I feel like I’ve been able to learn much about myself and a slow rebirth is on its way. Through this experience I’ve of course learned what makes me tick. I’m hopeful I can find my way again resuming old hobbies and discovering new ones.
Most importantly, I refuse to beat myself up. I’m a good person who happened to get divorced. Just as Mrs. Lessinges is a good person too, we simply weren’t meant to be together for the long haul. I’ve had trouble adjusting to seeing my daughter 3-4 days a week as opposed to seeing her every day. The days without her have been tougher to bear than I thought possible. I’ve said this many times before, I didn’t become a parent to see my child half the time. All I wanted as a child was to see my parents and when my parents split, it was so very hard to have my father drift out of my life. I told myself that wouldn’t happen on my watch, yet it has. Don’t get me wrong, this is the right thing for us. I’m simply stating how it makes me sad to not see my daughter seven nights a week. I don’t want to miss key parts of her life as well as the minutia.
So here I am, moving on and enjoying the present with glimpses back to the future. I can do this, I know I can. Managing this along with work and a personal life is a daunting task, but it can be done. Damnit, I just want to laugh again… and it’s happening.
I really appreciate you sharing, Egan, and I think it’s really good for you. And just so you know, I’m learning here too because someone in my life has gone through what you’re going through, and reading your thoughts here helps me understand better. So, thank you.
Lesley, I’m happy this is helpful for you. Sorry you have a friend going through this as well. It can be tough, but I’m sure you’re being a good friend and hearing her out. That is a huge help.
Everything takes time. i wish you the best of luck and continue to be the best dad you can be.
livingalifeworthliving – thanks for the visit. You’re right, everything does take time and I do feel like I’m a patient person. Why is 2011 testing me so much though? I will be the best dad I can and the holidays are quite fun.
Hugs. I can’t imagine how difficult it must be to adjust to such a different life than you expected or are used to. I just hope that in time you’ll find ways to make this new life just as good and fulfilling.
Mommy, things continue to improve (save for the fact I learned my job contract won’t be renewed at the end of the month) and the holidays have been very fun so far. I love being a parent this time of year.
Our daughter is dating a great young man and they speak of marriage. Her boyfriend wants to be SO careful to make sure the relationship will last for the long haul as his parents divorced in his mid-teens and he is so upset over that. But I remind them that there are no guarantees. You can only try your best to grow together and for some it works and some it does not. Life is not static and unchanging but constantly in flux. You sound like you are doing well, all things considered, and finding your way to a satisfying and happy future – vital for both you and Baby Singe!
Mary, this is really solid advice. Thanks for sharing this story and it sure does relate to my current situation. There are no guarantees, we both gave it our best and sadly it just didn’t pan out. Neither of us are bad people, just not as compatible as we hoped. Baby Singe is awesome.
you can’t always predict what lies ahead Egan but you sound so reflective and wise for what you’ve been through, which is probably not a great cosolation at all. Well, it certainly doesn’t make it easier. In fact it all sounds very hard but perhaps if you didn’t go through it you wouldn’t be opening another door somewhere. Yes, that door. Over there.
Mez, I do believe these tough events do make me stronger. Sometimes I wish it would all go away, but it’s all good. This does make me wiser and hopefully more aware of how I conduct myself in current and future relationships.
So? How’d it go? How are you doing? My first couple of days “officially divorced” were a little harder than I thought they’d be, but I’m good and getting better. Hope you are too!
Ms Brookie, the actual court appearance was benign. Nothing really to do other than say we agreed to what was in our court papers. The first few weeks were tough because I had access to the empty house we used to share. Lots of tears flowing as I thought about the good memories in the house. I’m getting better and in a very good relationship so things are on the up and up.